None in the Family, Part Two
by Kara Wild
Summary: Jake and Helen separate. Jake tries to be a good single father to Daria and Quinn, while Helen, her mother, and sisters revisit their past. Part 2 of 2. Written August 1999


"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is **not** an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the eighth fic in my chronology, and the concluding part of "None in the Family." It follows

  1. "Rose-Colored Lenses," 
  2. "The Tie That Chokes," 
  3. "That Thing You Say," 
  4. "'Shipped Out," 
  5. "Andrea Speaks!", 
  6. "Cheered Down," and, of course, 
  7. "None in the Family, Part One."

I'd give it a 2.5S..... Ugh, why even **pretend** these scripts could fit into a half-hour????

**Ten Spot Promo:** An old one, in which you see the numbers, from 1 to 10, materialize in water. That one always frustrated me, because it seemed to take **forever** for the 10 to appear, and I was like, "Dammit, just let me watch 'Daria'!" Nonetheless, I'm using it here because I'm running out of other promo options...

(Black background. Suddenly we see Daria walk on screen and stand facing front, so that she's staring at us from the T.V. screen. Her demeanor is its usual deadpan.)

**DARIA:** Hello. Let me start out by saying that I'm not here to show clips from last week's episode. You know what happened. You read it. And if you haven't read it, it's not hard to find: look right above, and you'll see it's under the **same** title.

(_Pause. Daria stands there impassively. Finally she sighs._)

**DARIA:** All right, all right, I'll humor you. Here's a brief run-through of what happened:

Dad, Quinn, and I have just returned from one explosive family reunion at Grandma Barksdale's house, where --

Mom blew up at Dad for not supporting her when she got humiliated by an old neighbor.

Dad blew up at Mom for humiliating him in front of the people at Grandma's party.

And Quinn and I got stuck in the middle.

Meanwhile, Quinn's mad at Erin for outdoing her in the popularity department.

And Erin's mad at Brian for being such a jerk. Surprise, surprise.

Grandma's mad at Aunt Amy for not involving her in her life.

I'm a little mad at her, too.

Amy seems like she's mad at Grandpa Barksdale for stuff he said to her when she was younger.

And Aunt Rita just seems like someone who's easy to irritate.

Well that should be enough to get you into the second half. So just sit back and enjoy. Or at least be glad this isn't your family.

[intro theme music...................]

# NONE IN THE FAMILY

## _PART TWO: UNMASKED_

_by_

## Kara Wild

* * *

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1 (_Morgendorffer house, picking up where we left off in Part One_)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn sitting on Daria's bed. Jane glances at Daria's clock.)

**JANE:** I'd better call Trent to let him know I haven't dropped dead. Or at least to make sure **he** hasn't.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** And we'd better tell our mom the same thing. Assuming the coast is clear.

(She nods to Quinn. They jump off the bed and head over to the door as Jane starts to make her call. Cut to shot of the outside hallway. Daria and Quinn open the door, creep out, and glance around. Pause. Daria sniffs the air and frowns.)

**DARIA:** Smells like Dad's venting his rage in the kitchen.

**JAKE:** (_off screen_): Gah! This apron's not flame-retardant!

**DARIA:** Yep.

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_cringing_) Eww! I hope he doesn't, like, expect us to **eat** what he's making.

**DARIA:** With a little cunning, we won't have to. I have an idea. (_She nods toward her room, and they go back in._)

(fade-out. fade-in to a brief time later. Daria and Quinn are huddled around the phone, while Jane sits on the edge of the bed, watching.)

**DARIA:** (_to Quinn_) Just try to sound as upset as possible. Don't lay blame on Dad -- just tell Mom we really want her home.

**QUINN:** Okay.

**DARIA:** If we succeed, whatever Dad's making will ne'er pass our lips.

(_Quinn nods. Daria picks up the phone and dials._)

(Cut to shot of the phone ringing in the living room of the Barksdale residence. Amy's standing closest by, so she picks it up.)

**AMY:** Hello?

(Pause. Then cut to split-screen with Amy on the left and Daria on the right.)

**DARIA:** (_a little stiff, recalling their last words in the den_) Um hi, Aunt Amy.

**AMY:** (_warmly_) Hey, Daria. (_Bt. calls over her shoulder._) Helen, your progeny are still alive.

**DARIA:** Um, could I speak with my mom, please?

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Sure. (_picking up on Daria's stiffness and guessing the cause._) Hey listen, Daria --

(_Suddenly Helen bustles on screen._)

**HELEN:** **Give** me that. (grabs the phone from Amy, who rolls her eyes and walks off screen. speaks into the receiver in an anxious tone: ) **Daria**, are you girls all **right**?? What has your father **done** to you?!

**DARIA:** Besides teach us the finer points of road rage, not much.

**QUINN:** (_off screen_) Ow, Mom! I think I have whiplash!

**HELEN:** Whiplash!! Is that Quinn?! (_Bt_) Quinn, baby, it's okay. Mama's **right** here. Dammit, I'll **kill** your father -- tearing out of here the way he did --!

**DARIA:** (_patient_) Mom, she's fine. (_Bt. covering the phone, grumbling to Quinn._) What did I say about laying blame on Dad?? (_Bt. uncovers phone, to Helen._) We're **both** fine. We're just sitting here in my room, calling to find out when you're coming home.

(_long Pause_)

**DARIA:** Mom??

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Well... I'm not sure.

(_Beat. Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** C'**mon**, Mom: you didn't really **mean** it when you said you and Dad would separate, did you? (_Bt_) It was just stress from your homecoming. (_Bt. suddenly a little worried_) Wasn't it?

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_uneasy_) Daria... I don't know. What your father said to me...

**DARIA:** (_rational_) Now, Mom, as harsh as Dad was, surely twenty-three years of marriage, based on a solid foundation of love and support, can overcome it. (_Bt_) Besides, we miss you.

**QUINN:** (_leaning in, trying to sound little-girlish_) Yeah, Mommy.

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_maternal instincts kicking in_) Ohhhhhh... my little angels. Just hearing your sweet voices is starting to --

(Suddenly she's interrupted by the clicking sound of another phone being picked up, followed by that of numbers being pressed.)

**JAKE:** (_off screen. panicked_) Is this 911?! Emergency! I think I just set my house on **fire**!!

**HELEN:** **Jake**, what on earth?!

**JAKE:** Helen?? (_Pause. getting enraged_) **So** -- you didn't trust me, did you?! Thought you'd spy on me and the girls!

**HELEN:** Jake, I don't trust you any farther than I can throw you. Which, considering how **bloated** your kiester has gotten since we were **first** married, means not at --

**JAKE:** Oh yeah?! Oh **yeah**?!

(_Daria groans and shakes her head, realizing an opportunity's been lost._)

**HELEN:** I turn my back for **one** minute, and you set the **house** on fire!

**JAKE:** Oh yeah?! Shows you how much **you** know, Helen! I was just lying to test you. The house is fine!

**HELEN:** It damn well **better** be, Jake Morgendorffer!

**JAKE:** So don't go prying into other people's business the way you **always** do. Just leave us alone!

**HELEN:** **Dammit**, Jake, the first sign of any trouble --

**JAKE:** There isn't gonna be any! In fact, I was just gonna tell the girls that the soup's on!

**DARIA:** (_mumbling_) That's trouble enough for me.

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** Daria?

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_fuming_) **Daria**, tell your father if **that's** the way he feels, then **fine**. I'll just leave you alone. But remember: first sign of a problem, and you can get to Grandma's house by taking A24 --

**JAKE:** Oh **no**, you don't!

(_Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** Look, Mom, I'd better go. I'll talk to you soon.

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_uneasy, not wanting to get off_) All... right... sweetie. Mom loves you.

**DARIA:** Um yeah. Me, too. (_Pause_) Bye.

(_She hangs up. Pause. Cut to full screen of Helen, lingering on the phone._)

**HELEN:** Jake??

(Pause. We then hear the clicking sound of him hanging up, followed by the dial tone. Helen hold the phone a few seconds longer, then slowly lays it back on its cradle. She turns to Grandma Barksdale, Rita, and Amy, who have been eavesdropping from the living room couch. They're more or less alone; most of the guests at Grandma Barksdale's anniversary party left right after Helen and Jake's shoutdown. Helen walks over to them.)

**HELEN:** (_wailing_) Oh Mother, he's going to hurt my babies!

**GRANDMA:** (_pacifying_) Now sweetheart, aren't you being a bit overly dramatic?

(_Helen drops into a chair beside her._)

**HELEN:** But who **knows** what kinds of horrible things he could be cooking for them?? Jake likes to experiment.

**GRANDMA:** (_putting a hand on her shoulder_) Now, now... he's their father. He wouldn't hurt them.

**AMY:** (_under her breath_) Unless arsenic's one of the experimental ingredients.

**GRANDMA:** (_to Helen_) You're getting yourself all tense and worked-up. Just relax.

**RITA:** Yeah, Helen, we'll get through this shattered-marriage thing together. God knows we've been waiting long enough for it to happen.

**HELEN:** (_glaring at her_) My marriage is **not** shattered!

**GRANDMA:** Of course it's not.

**HELEN:** It's just... a little... scuffed. (_slumps forward._)

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** In the meantime, where were you planning to stay?

(Before Helen can reply, Mr. Norbert pokes his head through the dining room door.)

**NORBERT:** (_to Helen_) Don't worry, hon: the first realization that he's not getting any will make your hubby come crawling back to you.

(_Helen veers around to look at him. Gets an expression of intense hatred._)

**HELEN:** Get **out** of here, you awful man!!!

**NORBERT:** Or to someone else.

**HELEN:** This is all **your** fault! Mother, make him leave!!!

**GRANDMA:** Harry, I'll see you at the next Homeowners' Alliance meeting.

**NORBERT:** I gotcha, Evie. (_Bt. to Helen_) And honey, if he doesn't come back to you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. (_nods to Rita and Amy, then exits._)

(_Helen emits a loud, sharp groan and hangs her head. Pause._)

**AMY:** I'm **really** sorry I missed this one.

(_Beat. Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita all look at her, irritated._)

**GRANDMA:** You're not funny, Amy. (_Bt. turns to Helen_) Sweetheart, you can stay here for as long as you need to.

**HELEN:** (_sniffing a bit. voice a little foggy_) Thank you, Mother.

**RITA:** And I'll ask Erin and Brian to check up on the girls in a few days. If they need that long.

**HELEN:** (_sniff, sniff_) You will? That's so thoughtful of you, Rita.

**RITA:** Pathetic-ness always brings out my good side.

**AMY:** So that explains why you pick such winners to be your boyfriends.

(_Pause. Again, Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita give her irritated looks._)

**AMY:** Sorry -- couldn't resist. (_Bt_) I'll see if I can scrounge up a cell phone for you, Helen.

(_Helen gets an expression of horror._)

**HELEN:** Oh my God! My **phone**!

(_fade-out. fade-into: _)

SCENE 2 (_Morgendorffer house, late evening_)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of the table, where Jake, dressed in a singed "Kiss the Cook" apron, is ladling broth into three soup bowls.)

**JAKE:** (_calling out_) Get it while it's **hot**, girls!

(Pause. We then see Daria and Quinn walk on screen. They sit down -- Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's -- and peer cautiously into their bowls. Jake plops himself down in Quinn's usual spot.)

**JAKE:** It's matzo ball soup! A Morgendorffer family specialty.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Chicken broth and bread crumbs. (_Bt_) I guess you can't go too wrong there.

**QUINN:** Ew, Daddy, what're **these** things?? (_points to shriveled gray objects floating in the broth._)

**JAKE:** Mushrooms and anchovies, of course. Those were **my** addition.

**DARIA:** Of course.

**JAKE:** Regular matzo ball soup is so **boring**. This has much more flavor in it. (_Bt_) So go on -- eat **up**.

(_Pause. Daria and Quinn just stare at their soup._)

**QUINN:** Um, Dad, I'd like to, but... I ate some of that yellow wiggly stuff at Grandma's house and I'm feeling kind of sick.

**DARIA:** Um yeah. Same here.

**JAKE:** Oh. (_looks disappointed._)

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** But, um, thanks for trying.

**QUINN:** Yeah.

**JAKE:** Aw nonsense! (_does a fist pump._) It's something any with-it, take-charge kind of dad would do.

**DARIA:** Cool.

**JAKE:** I just want to be the type of dad you girls have always deserved.

**DARIA:** Can't object to that.

**JAKE:** And on top of cooking regularly for you, I'm gonna start boning up on some facts about your lives. With-it dads actually **know** stuff about their kids.

**DARIA:** You don't say.

**QUINN:** (_looking worried_) **Everything**??

**JAKE:** So I've heard! (_Bt_) For starters: Quinn, sweetie, how old are you now?

**QUINN:** (_making a face_) Not **eleven**, that's for sure. (_Bt_) I'm almost sixteen.

**JAKE:** (_expression of horror_) Sixteen?! **That** old?! (_Bt_) Bu-but you shouldn't be dating guys at your age. They've only got **one** thing on their mind, the lousy **bastards** --!

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** Dad, you **knew** Quinn was that old.

**JAKE:** (_whimper-mumbling_) But I kept trying to block it out...

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** Well now that you know for sure, (_voice takes on a crafty edge_) how'd you like to be a really **cool** dad and take me car shopping??

**JAKE:** Aw gee, honey... if I was the kind of dad I was yesterday, I'd say, "You betcha! Just name the color!" But now that I'm a take-charge kind of dad, I'll say -- no way in hell.

(Quinn slumps forward. Daria smirks -- "This being stuck with Dad might not be **so** bad.")

**JAKE:** Let's see, now: Daria, you're se-ven-teen. Right??

**DARIA:** Correct.

**JAKE:** All right!

**DARIA:** (_smirking_) Boy, Dad, nothing gets past you.

**JAKE:** You'd better believe it! (_Bt. eyes bulge, starts speaking in a rage-filled tone._) Although **some** people would have you think **otherwise**. They just don't trust --

**DARIA:** Um, Dad, speaking of "some people": how soon'll you feel you've proven yourself enough to Mom to make up and return our house to its normal state of tedium?

(_Beat. Jake loses his enthusiasm._)

**JAKE:** Gee... I don't know, Daria. (_Bt. eyes bulge again._) Maybe when she stops calling me an **idiot** an' starts taking me seriously!

**DARIA:** Okay, that's a valid concern. (_Bt_) But wouldn't it be better if you and Mom talked this through in **person**? Like in front of a therapist?

(_Beat. Jake slumps forward._)

**JAKE:** Aw gee, that would never work. Your mom's real good at that talking crap. She'd say **everything**, an' I'd get to say nothing!

**DARIA:** True.

**JAKE:** An' in the end, the therapist'd just side with **her**. (_Bt_) I hate to say it, kiddo, but this separation's the only way we can work things out.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** I see. (_Bt. heaves a sigh._) Well, then, I just hope it doesn't last too long. Quinn and I like having **two** parents.

**QUINN:** Yeah, Daddy. I miss Mom.

**JAKE:** (_paternal instincts kicking in_) Ahhhhh... I'm sorry, sweetie-pie. Daddy knows how hard it must be for **both** you girls. (_Bt. resolute_) But you gotta give me a chance. Would ya do that for me, huh?

(_Pause_)

**DARIA & QUINN:** (_weary_) Sure.

**JAKE:** Thanks! (Bt. leans over, takes a sip of the matzo ball soup, makes a sour expression.) **Ewww**!!

(He jumps up, takes all three bowls of soup, and goes over to dump them in the sink. Meanwhile Daria looks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid.)

**DARIA:** Grandpa Barksdale must've really put a hex on Dad. He could actually resist your megadose of cuteness?

**QUINN:** (_stunned_) **Yeah**.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Well so far, so good. But I'm almost afraid to see what **other** surprises the new Dad has in store for us.

(_Jake reappears at the table._)

**JAKE:** Say, girls, I was thinking: since you're saving time by not eating, why not use it constructively? Your rooms could sure use a good cleaning.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** An interesting suggestion.

**QUINN:** Yeah, we'll give it serious thought, Dad.

(_Beat. Jake's cheerful fa _


End file.
